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[23 Nov 2004|07:43pm]

autharise


Pressing News Group, the organisation behind Plasma Rag Magazine, is seeking expressions of interest from enthusiastic and dedicated satire writers who wish to join a dynamic and welcoming team.  In the coming months a satirical online magazine will be launched, providing a chance for those with a passion for writing and humour a chance to grow their skills and network with likeminded people.

Those interested should contact Pressing News Group, as places are limited.  Please include in your e-mail a brief introduction and reasons why you’d like to be a part of the fun.  Send e-mails to pressingnews@gmail.com

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Sheriff and King Band Together to Put an End to Disco Music [18 Aug 2004|01:48pm]
windycitylover

(Middle East) Amman, Jordan - King Hussein of Jordan and a local Sheriff's Department official have recently banded together to put an end to the atrocity that is commonly known as "Disco music."

      Speaking at a National Press Conference Monday, on behalf of King Hussein, Marissa Khurma said "Under order of King Hussein from mandates given to him by a prophet, effective immediately, the raga will be dropped and that boogie sound will be banned." No other explanation as to the reasoning behind the King's decision has been given, but some Jordanian's have speculated that the King fears that disco music may be degenerating the faithful. Local Sheriff's department official Kahled Momed described the music as "not likeable," and said that he "simply did not like it," and would do anything to put a stop to it. Some locals have gone as far as to say that they "know he really hates it."

      Open protests and rebellion has sprung up around the country in response to this recent decision by the royalty. Jet fighters have been called out to quell the most violent of uprisings which have involved terrorists taking over some Muslim temples. Jet pilots have been ordered to drop bombs between the Minarets in order to destroy the temples and kill the maximum number of disco-obsessed terrorists.

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Why Won't This Idiot Just Go Away [10 Jul 2004|11:42pm]
windycitylover

Why Won't This Idiot Just Go Away - an editorial by Eric Forman

I have this friend, we'll call him Mike. Actually, he's not a friend, and that's why I'm writing this. I guess he probably considers us friends, because he always hangs around me and my other friends in my basement. Anyway, my point is, he never goes away. No matter how much I make fun of him, or try my best to get rid of him, he sticks around. It's almost as if someone is paying him to come around. Now, don't get me wrong: As a friend, he's a good guy, but he's so stupid. He's a guillible idiot, to be frank. Sometimes, I think it's funny to keep him around, and other people laugh at him, too. In fact, when he does stupid things, many voices laugh at him... I'm not even sure where they all come from, but boy do they laugh. But now let's get back to the point... My mom thinks he's stupid, my dad constantly insults him, and everybody just disrespects him. I really don't know why he comes around anymore, there has got to be money involved. Oh, and almost nobody calls him Mike. Why? Why does this fool get to be called "Kelso?" I get called by my last name sometimes, but I'm so much better. Oh, speaking about my last name and family... He slept with my sister! I really don't want this creep around, but at least once a week, he comes around. Actually, he used to only come around once a week for about a half hour, but now he hangs around for at least an hour every single day. Well, it's more like two half-hours. Anyway, that's my complaint.

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Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen [10 Jul 2004|06:45pm]
windycitylover

Paycheck - Just another pay check, as far as Ben was concerned.

Troy - Three hour-long ad for Trojan condoms.

Passion of the Christ - Three-hour long ploy to get people to buy more and more popcorn, as they continue to throw it up.

New York Minute - Ninety-minute long movie that could be summed up in less than one minute. Also a really long advertisement for Mary-Kate and Ashley's product lines.

The Matrix: Revolutions - Lives up the "revolution" part of the title, as Keanu Reeves actually seems like a real actor for about thirty seconds.

White Chicks - Looks as stupid as the blondes the Wayans portray (or the Hilton sisters that they're modeled after).

Metallica: Some Kind of Shitty Documentary - The first word says enough.

Sleep Over - Well, they got the sleep part right.

Around the World in 80 Days - Into a coma 80 seconds.

Chronicles of Riddick - Another movie for repressed homosexual fans (and stupid fan-girls) of Vin to drool over for far too long.

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Finally Bowing to Increasing Pressure, 50s Cafe Changes Seating, Hiring Policies [08 Jul 2004|07:10pm]
windycitylover

Aliso Viejo, CA - Patric Rayburn, spokesperson for [50's-themed restaurant] Johnny Rockets Group, Inc., stated that the company is making efforts to "finally to move into the 21st century," during a news briefing earlier today.

      "To keep up with the health concerns of the times, will start serving Diet Coca-Cola, use lower fat meats and utilize low-fat milk in our milkshakes" said Rayburn. "We are currently implementing new hiring practices that will include the possibiliy of hiring negroes, who will from here on out be referred to as African-Americans, for all possible positions. Currently, neg... African-Americans can only hold the position of janitor. Furthermore, we will be removing all signs that state `Whites Only,` and we will be integrating bathrooms in a way that only segregates them by gender. We feel that these changes are necessary to keep up our sales in such a competitive market."

      Kweisi Mfume, president of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, said that he was pleased with the changes Johnny Rockets is making. "Previously, us African-Americans were unable to eat at or work for such a well-thought-out restaurant, due to segregation rules. Now that they've changed their policies, African-Americans will be happy to be employed by such a great employer. We fully endorse the changes being made by this corporation."

      "I'm very pleased that these sweeping changes to our policies will be helping both our company and members of many communities" said Rayburn upon hearing the NAACP's endorsement of their new policies.

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"Catholicism is All Wrong" Says Jesus [26 Jun 2004|08:44pm]
windycitylover

Rome, Italy - Lord God, Yahweh, accompanied by his son, Jesus, descended from Heaven Friday night to announce startling news.

Descending from hell with his father, Jesus visited Rome, Italy earlier Friday evening for a talk with the papacy. The topic on Jesus's mind? Catholicism. "I don't want to sound like an asshole, but it's all wrong," said The Lord. "Yeah, at first, it was okay, because it's all there was - but in this day and age - it doesn't fly."

"Thank you, my Son," said Jesus's father, Yahweh. "There was a definite misunderstanding of my son's work sixteen-hundred years ago when Constantine made semi-officially formed the Roman Catholic church. We have come here today to finally correct those mistakes."

The Pope stared at The Lord Jesus, and then motioned to a papal adviser. Intiago Torlini, an aid to the pope, tried his best to translate the Pope's mumbles, but it was all in vain, as the pope fell to the floor due to exhaustion. "I'm sorry, your Lord, but the pope is tired, as had a late night game of fooseball," said Mr. Torlini.

"All is forgiven," said Jesus.

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Startling New Poll Shows Kindergarteners Have Serious Lack of Ambition [24 Jun 2004|12:42pm]
windycitylover

      Washington DC - A startling new poll given to over sixty-five-thousand students in the United States shows an alarming lack of ambition amongst children in the kindergarten age group. The poll, a questionaire about the students' dreams and goals in life, focused mostly on career goals and was given to approximately one-hundred kindergarten students per state.

      The poll, which was created and conducted by Gallup Poll, Inc.,  was put tallied and has shown some shocking results. Almost eleven percent of students said they wished to be drug dealers when they "grew up," while a starting fifteen percent said they wished to be in jail at that point in their life. Still, more startling than that was the top career choice in this age group, "unemployed chat room administrator." A whopping fifty-six percent of students wrote down that, when they are thirty, they wish to be unempoyed chat room administrators, while only four percent want to be astronauts, and three percent want to be President.

      President George W. Bush spoke out at a press conference earlier today, saying "This disgusts me. I'm not sure why this happened, but I know where they got this idea. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the fault of the Danes. We must go to war with them immediately. They are harboring a terrorist." Anti-war protestors are already lining the streets of DC, New York and Los Angeles.

      Sociologists, from the University of Wisconsin (Madison), plan to explore this startling new trend in-depth, as well as conduct a new poll as soon as possible.

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Fourth Potter Film to Have Famous Director [23 Jun 2004|04:09pm]
windycitylover

Hollywood, CA - The fourth movie in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, can begin filming almost immediately, as a director has finally been chosen. Having co-directed hundreds of Hollywood movies, from Lord of the Rings to Star Wars: Episodes I & II, and even the first three Potter films, the producers are almost certain they've made the correct choice.

      A spokesperson for Warner Bros. Entertainment released this information to the press yesterday:

The director for the fourth Harry Potter movie, the Goblet of Fire, was chosen from hundreds of qualified and (sometimes) over-qualified candidates. We here, at Warner Brothers, are certain that our choice will make for a better production for everybody involved. Dark Lord of Hell, Satan, has plenty of experience working within the movie industry. Responsible for co-directing The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Star Wars Episodes I & II, Gigli, Saved!, and The Passion of the Christ, we feel that Satan has the right experience to make the next film work the way [Harry Potter author] J.K. Rowling intended. Author J.K. Rowling, having worked with Satan while writing the books, has agreed with our selection of Satan as the newest director of the Harry Potter series.

      "Satan is an excellent choice, I think. Personally, I love working with him. Sure, my soul was a high price to pay for the success of my books, but he's really fun and easy to work with" said Rowling.

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Chat Room Administrator Found to Be 31 Years-Old [23 Jun 2004|03:41pm]
windycitylover

InterNet, Global - In a shocking event, an InterNet chat room moderator known as Kenneth Herman has been found to have lied about his age.

      Kenneth Herman (chat name: handoftheshadowfolk), a chat room moderator for StudentChat.com, has been lying about his age for the last few months, according to our sources. Late last night, information came about informing the chat room populace that the man, claiming to be 30, was actually 31 years old. Upon this information surfacing, ripples of shock and disbelief echoed through the chat room.

      James Thompson, a father to one of the chatters that chats at the site, was logged onto his daughter's account at the time, spying on her. "I was appalled when I found out about this. What a sick and depraved person, a thirty-one year-old man in a chat room that is mostly for teenagers. Thirty wasn't so bad, but thirty-one? Disgusting. Somebody should do something about this."

      Chatter Adrian Lyons said, "It figures, he always struck me as the weird pedophile type." Fellow chatters echoed similar comments about the moderator.

      Eric, and his internet girlfriend, Danielle, collectively said that they were disgusted by this new-found information. "I can't believe it," said Eric, while his girlfriend was busy photographing flowers with black and white film.

      One fellow chatter, Kyle Smythe said that he was "barely surprised by this," as other things the moderator did were "kind of weird." Mr. Smythe (whose opinion was backed up by someone's boyfriend) continued, "The stalking thing was strange enough. He was always sitting in chat, invisible to the naked eye. Kind of stalkerish. Now that I find out he's thirty-one, I wonder why he was doing it. I wonder what else this sick-[expletive deleted] is hiding."

      When we approached site owner and operator Jill about this, she simply said, "Well, I'm in my mid-forties, but you won't see me hanging out in a chat room. I've known Kenneth for a long time, and this is disgusting. I can't believe he lied to me. To think, I was duped into believing he really was thirty! This changes everything. I will look into legal action against this lying individual."

      All comments to Mr. Herman's lawyer have not been returned.

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Take Away This Cruel World by: A Kleenex Tissue Box [07 Jun 2004|03:28pm]
windycitylover

Take Away This Cruel World by: A Kleenex Tissue Box

Every single night, I see it. Out my window, horrors or horrors. I see murder, I see death. In the living room, I see sex. Disgusting man-woman sex. Then they touch me. I see horrible things. Take it all away. I wish I could move, but I can't. I'm a tissue box. I cannot move. I cannot walk. I can only move when sentient, moving objects move me, or by some force of nature. I am forced to sit on this end table. I look out the window. Last night I saw murder. Twelve year-old girl. Murdered. Shot twice in the head. Every night I see sex. My owner is a woman. She and her boyfriend have sex. It is digusting. The man's fat gut slamming up against her ass while he reams her pussy from behind. Then they wipe themselves clean with tissues from me. Disgusting. Just end my cruel life. When will my time come? When?

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Bush Taps American As New Iraqi President [02 Jun 2004|10:57am]
windycitylover

Washington DC, USA - In a surprise move that shocked many Americans, President George W. Bush picked a new President for the Iraqi Governing Council - an American citizen.

      After the unfortunate demise of some council members (at the hands of terrorists), George W. Bush and his administration have finally finished the painstaking process of choosing replacements for those that perished. Bush, ecstatic with joy, held a press conference to explain his choices this afternoon.

      "There comes a time when old government must be replaced. Old government isn't always good government. Saddam Hussein... Bad man! United States... Good men! We successfully destroyed Saddam Hussein, picked a new leadership for Iraq, and were now forced to do it again. I am so pleased with my selection for their new president, I just know they'll respect him" said Bush. "He has the respect of much of the Arab world, he is a president in almost every one of their countries, and half of the Arab population probably has something to do with him already. I've picked US citizen [and Gap-Old Navy president] Paul Pressler to be the new President of Iraq" continued Bush. "I just know that he'll make a perfect President, since everybody already knows him and all. He'll likely remind them of Saddam, the way he enslaves people for low wages and all of that great stuff! I told you guys, don't misunderestimate me!"

      Democratic Presidential hopeful John Kerry attacked Bush's plan saying "This isn't going to help the situation, it will only hurt it. Many in the Middle East hate us now, and this will make it worse."

      Bush, replying to Senator Kerry's comments said "Kerry's a big, fat pussy."

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Millions of Iraqis Enjoy New-Found Freedoms [02 Jun 2004|02:46am]
windycitylover

      Baghdad, Iraq - Thousands of Iraqis have spent the last few days enjoying their freedom by standing in line to apply for the many new jobs being created around the country.

      Since the freeing of the Iraqi people (by US-led coalition forces), many new jobs have been popping up around Iraq. Many Iraqis, who previously were out of work, are now having almost no problem finding jobs in this booming new market. "The celebration of finding a job is the celebration of our liberation" said Baghdad resident Sikri al-Shaeff.

      "I can't wait to work in a Nike shoe factory," said al-Shaeff's wife. "Sure, I'll have to wear a facial covering, as demanded by Islamic law, and I'll be paid very low wages, wages so low it may feel like slavery... But I'll be free! I'll be free from the horrors of Saddam Hussein!"

      "I can't believe the Americans did all of this for us," said al-Shaeff's oldest son, Sudra, age seven. "Thanks to the Americans, I am now free to work in dangerous conditions for extremely low pay. Thank you George W. Bush!"

      Other Baghdad residents were not as optimistic as Mr. al-Saeff or his family. "Thanks a lot, America! We liked Saddam more than [Gap-Old Navy president] Paul Pressler. He was a lot less oppressive" said twenty-seven year-old Ahnra Ben Suden.

      Thirty-four year-old Zihra al-Kairi said that he was "unsure" about the new jobs being created in his country. "I'm not sure about how I feel about this American capitalist greed that is enveloping my country."

      While the Iraqis themselves are unsure, one thing is for sure, more cheap labor means lower prices on Old Navy Fleece. OH, YEAH, BABY!

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Researchers Believe Jesus to Have Been An Alcoholic [26 May 2004|02:37am]
windycitylover

      Italy - Researchers in Rome, Italy, have found new evidence that teaches us about the life and times of Jesus Christ, savior to the masses of Christians around the world.

      Researchers from the Vatican (working in conjunction with DNA experts) have examined The Shroud of Turin (believed by many to be the burial cloth of Jesus Christ), and have taken and tested blood samples from the cloth to check for various things. One thing has become certain: Jesus Christ, if he was real and this is his burial cloth, was an alcoholic.

      "This gives new meaning to the Catholic idea of wine being `The Blood of Christ`," said Michael Gravenson, head of the Vatican research team. "The blood, even after all of these years and having gone through a fire, still registers at a .18 blood-alcohol-content level," continued Dr. Gravenson. As to why, after all of these years, alcohol would still be found present in such blood samples, the researchers could not give us any explanation. So, we turned to the Pope.

      "Das Blut von Jesus ist nicht tödlich, gerecht wie Jesus selbst," said The Pope, in one of his native languages. Roughly translated, it says, "Jesus's blood, like him, is immortal." Could this be a possible explanation? Could the possibility exist that Jesus Christ was real, and was not a true mortal? Could this explain why, till this day, a blood-alcohol-content level of .18 was found in the blood samples from the Shroud of Turin? Turning to a well-known Theologist, Todd Shriver, we figured we'd find our answer.

      "It's not that Jesus's blood is immortal, it's that Jesus was immortal. The man could drink as much as he wanted and not die. He couldn't die until his father, God, said he could. He could have had a .99 BAC and still have been alive. If that's what he had when he died, it's possible," said Todd Shriver. "Just think for a minute, if you knew you were going to die, and you had that cool supper where everybody stood on one side of the table, wouldn't you drink yourself as much of the cheap Roman wine as you could?" asked Dr. Shriver. "Many notable Biblical figures imbibed large amounts of alcohol, and God still loved them. Noah is widely accepted as having been a drunk, so why not Jesus, too?" said Dr. Shriver.

      "Further research will have to be done," said Dr. Gravenson. He then vowed to continue his work until all questions were answered.

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Latino Family To Sue Mel Gibson And 20th Century Fox Entertainment [24 May 2004|06:03pm]
windycitylover

Phoenix, AZ - The family of a deceased Mexican American, Jesus-Juan Cristos, has just filed suit against 20th Century Fox Entertainment for their film "The Passion of The Christ."

      Mrs. Juanita Cristos, Jesus-Juan's mother, says that she was "fed up" with the use of her son's name on television and in movies. Her son, Jesus-Juan Cristos, was murdered in 1998 by three members of the Ku Klux Klan, all of whom are currently serving twenty year sentences.

      "I think they try to make a mockery of my son. They try to use his name and exploit his death for bad movie. What a mean thing to do. Jesus-Juan was a good boy, he never hurt anybody, he quiet boy, wouldn't want his story told," said Mrs. Cristos.

      A spokesperson for 20th Century Fox said to us, "It's obvious that we meant no offense to Mrs. Cristos, her family and especially not her late son, Jesus-Juan." "Our film is about Jesus Christ, the savior of mankind who died almost two-thousand years ago, for being different. Mrs. Cristos and her family is going to have understand the difference in names and stories, and that's why we're paying for her to see a counselor," continued the spokesperson.

      Mr. Miguel Cristos, Jesus-Juan's father, said "I don't see the difference. Jesus-Juan was killed for being different, just like the man in the story. He was brutally beaten and whipped, too."

      Director Mel Gibson claims "no relation between parties," and has vowed to get "the best lawyer money can buy" to fight what he calls "preposterous, aggregarious accusations."

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Gibson Commits Suicide Over "Guilt" [11 May 2004|02:06pm]
windycitylover

Florida - Actor/director Mel Gibson was found dead early last evening. A note left near the scene explains the death as a possible suicide.

      "Wife Piper Laurie found Mr. Gibson around 8pm last night" said a police spokesperson. "She called 911 immediately and we arrived on the scene within 10 minutes" he continued. Asked about the cause of death, he said that the note left near the body, which has been made available to the press, suggests a suicide.

A short excerpt from the letter:

I can't handle the guilt anymore. I nailed that nail in. I killed him. I just wanted to make a movie. But no, I nailed that nail in to show that we all did it. That means I did it. It wasn't the Jews, it was me. I killed him. I KILLED HIM. I can't handle this guilt. God, take my life from me.

      "It is not known if suicide is the real cause of death right now, because the wording of the letter is vague. However, there are no suspects in a possible murder case, and the stab wounding patterns suggest they were self-inflicted" the spokesperson told us.

      Mel Gibson had recently come under fire as an anti-Semite for his much-anticipated and debated film, The Passion of The Christ. In the film the last hours of the life of (the Christian religious figure) Jesus Christ are depicted through violent scenes.  Some have suggested that the movie blames the Hebrew people of the time (and subsequently, all practicers of Judaism since) for the violent murder of Jesus Christ. Gibson maintained that he wasn't "blaming those stupid dirty kikes," and said that he had "hammered in one of the nails" himself during the crucifixion scene, "just to show that we all killed Jesus."

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Man Dies While Trying to "Open His Heart" to Jesus [30 Apr 2004|05:52pm]
windycitylover

Milwaukee, WI - Thirty-two year-old Milwaukee resident James O'Bannon Jr. bled to death at County General Sunday afternoon, after a botched heart surgery.

      Mr. O'Bannon's mother, fifty-nine year-old Denise O'Bannon of Madison, said that for years she's been telling her son to "open his heart to Jesus," but she never thought he'd take her advice, let alone so literally. "I just don't understand it. Since he was thirteen, I have been struggling with him to try to help him find his way again; to find Jesus, our Lord and Savior. I'd always say `Jim, just open your heart to Jesus, and you'll be happier.` He'd always argue with me. And now, nineteen years later, he's dead because of my advice."

      Mr. James O'Bannon Sr. said that his son had struggled for a long-time to find happiness. "He was always losing jobs, finding new ones, losing them, etc. The same thing happened with women. Denise always told him that he'd be happier in life if he just `opened his heart to Jesus.` Jesus Christ, I didn't think he'd take it so literally."

      James O'Bannon Jr. was admitted into County General late Saturday night to prepare for open-heart surgery. The surgery was considered cosmetic, due to the fact that doctors found nothing wrong with his heart, a fact that his mother contests. "He had heart-problems. Women problems. He had a broken heart. Jesus problems. No God in his life," said Mrs. O'Bannon.

      James Jr. is survived by his three-year old Pekingnese, Jelly.

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Former Bush Employee Makes New Accusations [22 Apr 2004|12:16pm]
windycitylover

      In another case of criticism of the handling of the September 11th, 2001 tragedy by a former Bush Administration Official, a former assistant to Condoleeza Rice, Thomas Arinus, has come forth with startling allegations about the administration's lack of attention to the warning signs.

      Arinus joins a long list of former employees that have come back to haunt the Bush Administration. Joining Richard Clark, Bob Woodward and Paul O'Neill, Arinus has made allegations that President Bush planned the Iraq war from day one, and ignored all warning signs about the impending September 11th, 2001 attacks. While he has no plans to release a book anytime soon, he has given copies, to the media, of memos which pertain to the above subject matter.

One particularly startling memo about the impending 9/11 attacks has a header which reads:
From: Osama Bin Laden
To: Leaders of the free world
Re: Terrorist attacks
Text: I'm going to blow you all up.

Another memo, regarding the Al-Qaida ties to Saddam Hussein reads:
From: George Tenet
To: George Bush
Re: Saddam
Text: Saddam is lying.

      Arinus claims that he passed these notes onto Condoleeza Rice and she simply left them on her desk. "Condi isn't very organized, or, at the very least, not as organized as a National Security Advisor should be," said Arinus. "Her in-box has out-box things and her out-box has in-box things. There was this one time tjat I gave her a note from Osama Bin Laden, and she placed it precariously on the edge of her desk, right near the garbage can! I said `Condi, you might want to move that, it's important.` She said to me `Tommy, not right now, I've never gotten this far,` and shrugged me off, asking me not to bother her for the rest of the day, then she went back to playing Minesweeper. Guess where I found the note the next day? In the trash can. I bet she never even read it."

      Condoleeza Rice, when asked about Mr. Arinus, said that he "performed his duty adequately, but was a general pain-in-the-ass, and a kiss-ass." "I hate brown-nosers," she said.

      In fairness to the Bush Administration, it should be pointed out that Mr. Arinus was fired by Ms. Rice for having "paranoid delusions" and "making up conspiracy theories."

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Millions of Movie-Goers Take Gibson Film "Far Too Seriously" [21 Apr 2004|11:55am]
windycitylover

      In the most startling display of people taking a film's inherent message far too seriously, almost 75% of Americans now base their religion on the story depicted in Mel Gibson's "The Passion of The Christ." Theologian Tom Sandell sat down and talked to us about this extraordinary phenomenon.

      "It was strange, a few years ago, when people tried to get `Jedi,` listed as a religion, because they were simply based around a fictional idea from a science fiction movie. Albeit, the movies were good, but to base a religion around them seemed preposterous to any thoughtful person" said Sandell. "And now, a few years later, over 70% of the American population are basing their religion around that new Mel Gibson movie... Passion Of The something or other... Well, that's just weird! One has to wonder why they didn't pick a better film to use for the basis of their religion, perhaps one with character development," Sandell continued.

      Asked about what kind of impact this will have on future generations, Sandell noted that "many religions come from what we, today, might call preposterous ideas. However, I see that this religion may stick around for thousands of years to come, almost to the point where many of its followers might not know the whole, true story, of what it is about."

      Christian believer Brian Tozer of Detroit, Michigan, said "I loved the film, it was a great movie, and it let me see the true sacrifice of what The Christ did for me." When asked how he enjoyed the film's other characters, he asked us "What other characters?"

      All calls to Mel Gibson's production company in regards to what their take on this new phenomenon is were rejected.

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[18 Apr 2004|09:07pm]
windycitylover

Joe Homeowner: oh my gods. the world is ending.
suburban schu: I know!~
Joe Homeowner: they are making a wiccan barbie
suburban schu: oh, that
suburban schu: haha
Joe Homeowner: That's fucked.
suburban schu: yea it is
Joe Homeowner: They made a Muslim one
Joe Homeowner: now a wiccan one...
suburban schu: does the Muslim one come with an airplane?
suburban schu: haha
Joe Homeowner: A 747 and an AK-47
suburban schu: excellent
Joe Homeowner: and a boxcutter
suburban schu: haha
Joe Homeowner: and their boyfriends have to have long bears
Joe Homeowner: beards
suburban schu: yea they do
Joe Homeowner: next they can make "charred jew barbie" to go along with "palestine pete," one of muslim barbie's friend's boyfriends.
suburban schu: haha
suburban schu: that would be awesome
suburban schu: and they could make an exploding discoteque set
Joe Homeowner: hahahaahahah
Joe Homeowner: Yeah
Joe Homeowner: And a transit bus
suburban schu: heh, yes
Joe Homeowner: It can be Palestine Pete's automobile
Joe Homeowner: and he'll get on it and it'll blow up.
Joe Homeowner: awesome

How about a John Ashcroft Barbie doll? He'd have no moving parts, to prohibit you from making him dance (against his religion) and him and his wife's clothing would be painted on, to avoid perversion.

Along side Palestine Pete, there could be "Hamas Harry," both of course, would come with removable beards so they could join splinter cells in the U.S.

Think about the possible accessories... For Ashcroft, we could have a robe... Used to cover the justice statue, and for Hamas Harry we could have rigged shoes and 5lbs of dynamite.

And finally... Patriot Barbie would be a robot that obeys all commands without questioning them. She would come with a huge flag, and flag bumper stickers with slogans about how great the US is... So you could put them on her foreign car.

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God Angrily Decries to Violent Anti-Abortion Protestors: "No More Killing In My Name" [18 Apr 2004|09:04pm]
windycitylover
      In a surprise move Thursday, God himself (Lord of All the Heavens, I am who I am, Yahweh, Father of Jesus Christ) came to earth to angrily decry at violent abortion opponents:  "No more killing in My name."

      God, in all of his holy glory, stepped down from Heaven Thursday, taking a break from his usual activities.  Accompanying him were the Archangel Michael and other assorted angels.  The message God wanted to make clear?  Don't kill anyone in his name.  It seems as though God was fed up with the apparent brazenty of some abortion opponents; ones who murdered abortion doctor in His holy name.

      Speaking to the press in from of millions from the Vatican, God said "Look, I don't like abortions, and neither do you. I am the Judge of Judges, the Ultimate Authority.  I assure you that these foul people will burn in the firey depths of hell with their choosen lord, Satan.  Abortionists and those who murder them are minions of Satan.  There is no need to break commandments to stop them.  Life is precious; all life.  While the aborted children will also burn in hell, as they failed to be baptized, there is no need to add insult to injury; murder to muder.  I especially do not want this done in My name."

      After His brief speech, God quickly returned to the heavens while the crowd mingled, confused.  Chatter amongst the witnesses of his Holy event went from agreement with what God had said to blatant disregard for God's holy laws.  One witness was overheard saying "That wasn't God, it was a trick done by the Jewish controlled liberal media. I refuse to stop bombing abortion clinics.  Murderers deserved to be murdered."

      A person we interviewed, who only referred to himself as JC had this to say: "God is almighty, God is righteous and God is right. I," he paused for a moment.  He then continued with "I mean, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ gave his life for our sins so the Old Testament laws would no longer have to be followed."

      Satan worshippers were apparently horrified that they'd have to spend time in hell with abortion-clinic bombers.  One leading Satanist, a Joshua Smith, even threatened to stop worshipping the dark lord, stating "I don't want to spend time in hell with those right-wing fucks."  Lawyers for Satan issued only this brief statement:  "This is complete slander, and there will be a lawsuit involved.  Meanwhile, all calls to Satan are not being returned.

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