God, in all of his holy glory, stepped down from Heaven Thursday, taking a break from his usual activities. Accompanying him were the Archangel Michael and other assorted angels. The message God wanted to make clear? Don't kill anyone in his name. It seems as though God was fed up with the apparent brazenty of some abortion opponents; ones who murdered abortion doctor in His holy name.
Speaking to the press in from of millions from the Vatican, God said "Look, I don't like abortions, and neither do you. I am the Judge of Judges, the Ultimate Authority. I assure you that these foul people will burn in the firey depths of hell with their choosen lord, Satan. Abortionists and those who murder them are minions of Satan. There is no need to break commandments to stop them. Life is precious; all life. While the aborted children will also burn in hell, as they failed to be baptized, there is no need to add insult to injury; murder to muder. I especially do not want this done in My name."
After His brief speech, God quickly returned to the heavens while the crowd mingled, confused. Chatter amongst the witnesses of his Holy event went from agreement with what God had said to blatant disregard for God's holy laws. One witness was overheard saying "That wasn't God, it was a trick done by the Jewish controlled liberal media. I refuse to stop bombing abortion clinics. Murderers deserved to be murdered."
A person we interviewed, who only referred to himself as JC had this to say: "God is almighty, God is righteous and God is right. I," he paused for a moment. He then continued with "I mean, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ gave his life for our sins so the Old Testament laws would no longer have to be followed."
Satan worshippers were apparently horrified that they'd have to spend time in hell with abortion-clinic bombers. One leading Satanist, a Joshua Smith, even threatened to stop worshipping the dark lord, stating "I don't want to spend time in hell with those right-wing fucks." Lawyers for Satan issued only this brief statement: "This is complete slander, and there will be a lawsuit involved. Meanwhile, all calls to Satan are not being returned.